Times come again and again when you have been wanting to put that jersey you've had in your closet during the three to five months of the off-season. You feel rejuvenated. There is something in the air...you just know that this year is going to be your year. It's just an awesome feeling when that first day of either equinox arrives--the weather's perfect, and now is the time to go all out and show your loyalty.
"Yeah, body paint's good. Oh, you're gonna paint your...wait, no...why?"
"No, please, no. Don't cry. It's only going to run the paint...don't cry, there's no need to."
"Oh, but what the hell is that on your head? Is that supposed to be something?"
"Why don't you just go home and lay down, then. You look like a disaster."
People have just taken it too far these days. They want to show others how tough their favorite team is by wearing spiked shoulder pads and fake crazy hair. They wear a jersey with the entire team's signatures on it...which is silly, because all that 'valuable ink' would only fade. They're just adding an additional 10-15 lbs worth of crap to show that they're the ultimate fan. Some are aware that there is no prize in "best dressed," but a crap ton of others believe otherwise, and will dispute verbally over such a title.
To examine a sports fan "tool," let's dissect this for a moment:
Replica Ohio State jersey...check.
That's all you need, really. Now for the other accessories...
Spiked shoulder pads...check.
Sweatband though you will not sweat one drop tonight...check.
Sign for everyone can see...check.
Mocking a rival that's better than you...check.
Crazy red and white hair...check.
Poor spelling for everyone to see...check.
This guy has completely lost it. He looks to be in his 40's, and it looks like schooling came to an end somewhere in his mid-teen's. I'm curious to know if he was employed at the time this photo was taken. Anyways, why would you want to do this to yourself, especially if your team can't step up in any of the big bowl games? You're only over-doing it for...well, nothing. Way to make yourself look like an ass.
Let's take another look at another fan:
Sweet specs...check.
Jaguar replica jersey...check.
Foam Jaguar paw on head...check.
Sweet 'stache...check.
Pom pom tied to your hair...check.
This is just becoming...sad. Once again, a poor delusional fan who has fallen into the trap of cheering for a second-tier team and "going the distance." Oh, he went the distance alright...went the distance from being a normal Jacksonville fan to being a tool box. What's worse is that this picture is posted all over the internets for me to find.
So far, so good, right? I'm just basically showing you how you shouldn't be going about yourself with people. However, there is one more breed of fan that I have yet to mention: The fan who cheers for the inevitable. They are the most dedicated of fans, and will cheer for their team, win or lose. See, this is respectable. You want to stick with your team to the very end instead of being a real tool and cheer for the front-runner teams. Fair-weather fans suck, and these fans know about that best.
When it comes to cheering for a team, do you really want to find yourself cheering for a team that doesn't know what it's like to win a championship? Do you really want to cheer for a team that has gone an entire century without winning a World Series? These people people invest all they have into these teams in hope that some day, their day will come. For others, they know that it's just not going to happen. A pat on the back and a soft chuckle is the only thing we can offer to these poor saps. Their team's constant flops often result in this:
If you know that this is going to happen, then why bother dealing with the tragedies afterwards? There's nothing worse then talking up about your favorite team winning a championship when they have gone 100 years without doing so. As for this sad girl in the pic above, I can only say what Tom Hanks ever said to women about baseball: "Are you crying? Don't cry...there's no crying in baseball!"
Today, you have seen the many truths about sports fanatics. People are getting better at making themselves look like tools without ever knowing any of the consequences. Stay tuned next time for part 3 of this series: Tattoos.
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