Tips on how to be a tool: Part 1

Tips on how to be a tool is going to be a part of an on-going series that will be posted throughout the year and possibly beyond. This is going to be a possibility of a premise to write my first book on, one that is aimed toward humor. Should anyone be offended by the words that are about to be said, learn to nut up.

Have you ever woke up on some random morning, look in the mirror and say, "Damn, I'm that good looking"? Have you ever wanted to flaunt your body to the public? Do you just have that urge to tell yourself, "I'm going to bring a girl home tonight"? There's good news: You can take your self-image with you, along with your ego, and exploit yourself in a way you never thought would be possible.

Don't fall under the impression that because you're not skinny, you won't find love.


See? We're all capable of making it.

Today, many young and middle-aged adults are single and are in search of a good partner. They find themselves struggling in seeking a relationship with someone, so in order to keep themselves afloat, they must post half-nude pictures of themselves online to look appealing to others.

Here is the step-by-step process on how to accomplish the "tooling" of your social profile:

1: Have camera ready, whether it is digital or from your cell phone.

2: Find mirror, or find a friend (if you swing that way, too) to help with the picture you want taken.

3: Remove clothes above the waist.

4: Shoot it.

and presto!


Exhibit A: Tool belt.

1,000 points on the tool-o-meter. Remember that your aim is to get some positive feedback.

Should you get any "HOTT," "SEXY," or "YUMMY" comments, that means that the trick is working. You'll feel overly confident about you and your personal state of being. Having the feeling that you have the power to lure women in large numbers will make you feel invincible. People would ask who the hell Ron Jeremy or Wilt Chamberlain is once photos of yourself are discovered.

If there is one thing you should be careful with, it's that you don't really know who is all looking at your profile. If you are a heterosexual, watch out, becuase someone from "the other team" may be scouting you. The best possible solution would be to set your profile to private (which would make things better because you're playing 'tough to get' from the girls.)

The Reality:
If you wonder why no one wants to go out with you, then there's probably a good reason why they don't want to. Women are not stupid, and they don't always belong in the kitchen like you may think. Having an asshole-type personality is bad news for the long run, and the only friends you do have are fellow assholes.

Half-naked pictures of yourself do not do you any good other than telling the world how big of a waste and tool shed you are. Yeah, you might work out on a daily basis and try to show off your muskles, but you're only hurting your vision in others' eyes. If all else fails, you could fall in love with yourself and be a total douche rocket.

Stay tuned for Tips Part 2: Sports Fanatic in the future here at The worst blog in the Universe.